I'm not going to worry about Brittany. I miss her in more ways than one. I miss hanging out with her, but I also miss being able to consider her a close friend. But the fact is, I don't get to see her all that much anymore, so we don't hang out often. And there isn't much that shows me she cares about our friendship anymore, so I can't trust her as much as I thought I could. Fine. I need to learn to deal with that.
There are places I'll remember
All my life
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone
And some remain
Thank you, John Lennon. Whether or not Brittany and I actually had a genuinely close friendship in the past, I don't think we have it anymore. We have a fun friendship. A fun and occasional friendship. And I'm going to value that for what it is.
As for Asperger's Syndrome? I need to learn to love it. I say that it's embarrassing and frustrating, but why? It's only embarrassing and frustrating because I have social problems, problems fitting in. It's inconvenient to be out with friends and freak out because a noise is too loud. But wait. Who gives a shit? The people who really care about me don't mind that I have Asperger's. The people who are inconvenienced by it are people who shouldn't matter too much to me anyway.
And the gay thing. Lesbian. Whatever. So I'm a lesbian. What does that mean? Well, it means I (want to) date women. It means I'm attracted to women. It doesn't mean a fucking thing beyond that. I'm not into the "gay lifestyle." I'd rather watch America's Next Top Model than The L Word. I hate drag shows. I don't like most gay movies. I may never march in a parade. I'm a girl...woman...whatever...who likes pretty jewelry and getting dressed up (sometimes) and chick flicks and rock music and art and whatever. Boys flirt with me because they haven't the faintest clue that I'm a lesbian (and apparently because I'm hot, but that's still up for debate). Girls don't flirt with me because they haven't the faintest clue that I'm a lesbian (so frustrating). Yeah, I like women. I might marry one someday. But that doesn't change a fucking thing about who I am.
I want to move to New York after college. New York or Chicago.
Drove to Chicago
All things go, all things go
And I'm a Christian. Yeah. I'll admit it. People can assume whatever the fuck they want to about that statement. Most people will assume I'm a closed-minded bigot because that's the popular image of Christianity these days. Screw them. I'm overwhelmingly glad to be a Christian. There's nothing bad about it in my mind. It's the foundation for my life and there's nothing I'd rather choose.
I don't like [most] popular music and that's okay. That doesn't make me wrong or even weird. So what if I'd rather listen to Bach suites than Top 40 radio? So what if my favourite band broke up almost 40 years ago? So what if the music that makes me happy is calm and introspective? So what if the music that makes most people my age happy is the music that makes me agitated and enraged? It doesn't make me a bad person! It doesn't make me a snob or even too picky. It's not something I'm about to apologise for.
So what if my life is a Neutral Milk Hotel album? My best friends are pop-country and Top 40 kinds of people, and I'm a classic-rock, indie-folk, bizarre-ass-music kind of person. We're like two apples and a kumquat, but I'm going to have to be okay with that.
I like to tell people that if you've listened to Neutral Milk Hotel's album "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea," then congratulations, you know me.
I have a sick and twisted sense of humour. I am going to start showing it more. No more censoring myself so people like me better.
Holy fucksticks, I'm tired. I feel like there's more to write but my eyes just will not stay open. More to follow, perhaps. I should compose some kind of manifesto.
"Manifesto" sounds like some kind of pasta.
My keyboard is pretty and all but I do not want it imprinted on my face when I wake up (plus, I drool when I sleep and something tells me the keyboard wouldn't react well to that) so I'm going to go the hell to bed and continue pontificating later.