Thursday, December 20, 2007

A Music Novice Critiques Music. Oh No.

I'm watching the Top 40 Music Videos of 2007 on VH1, and I have some thoughts. Here's some kind of a review with commentary. Or whatever.

Every once in awhile I like something by The Killers. "Read My Mind" is an awesome song to scream-sing in the car when you're pissed or upset or otherwise feel like screaming.

Regina Spektor, will you marry me?

I never understood the appeal of Fall Out Boy. Cute pop culture reference in the band name. Completely unlikable music. I guess if you're fifteen and rebellious, and you want to listen to music that absolutely nobody except angry 13-16-year-olds can relate to just to spite the evil adults...or if you find yourself in a crowd of people at the freshman formal and need something to scream, I guess I really don't get it.

Oh my God, Bruce Springsteen. I don't understand a bloody word he's saying because I think he might have a mouthful of marbles and marshmallows, but otherwise he sounds great and can play the hell out of the guitar.

Avril Lavigne has been through about three hundred bottles of black eyeliner this year alone, it looks like, and she still looks like a seventeen-year-old. Go figure. But oh no, she's GROWN UP! Why? I guess it's because she's singing a sad song. Apparently kids don't sing sad songs, only adults do. And the mark of adulthood is, apparently, sad songs. Okay, Avril, here's a tip. If you're going to talk about how grown-up you are now, don't squeal it like a seventh-grader on speed while the camera zooms out on your pink-pink hair and gallons of black eyeliner...grown-ups don't do that.

Um, but I think I might like the song, whatever the heck it was called.

Maroon 5 are not quite as overrated as Fall Out Boy, but getting there. So they wrote an angry song. Oooooh. Noteworthy? Nah. Gets on my nerves? Yeeeaaahhh.

Feist! Will you have a threesome with Regina and me?

Oh, no. Fergie squeezed another hit out of that hellmouth album of hers. Clumsy? Oh, shit. How completely fucking annoying. Let's see...

Fergalicious: completely fucking annoying
London Bridge: completely fucking annoying
Glamorous: completely fucking annoying
Big Girls Don't Cry: I had hope there for about five seconds
Clumsy: the secret trapdoor level of hell that opens when you aren't being tortured quite enough in the ninth circle

I shudder to think of what might come next.

I thought I would like [Chris] Daughtry. Let it be known that I just don't. I mean, seriously. Has anything good come from American Idol yet? Okay, Kelly Clarkson still makes me smile, even if I don't really like (or remember) her music. Whatever. Point is, [Chris] Daughtry irritates me.

Point One: You're a kid who just lost a reality show. Not a rock star yet. This means that you aren't quite at the point where you can do something pretentious like insist that people refer to you by last name only. "Oh, my first name is a thing of the past. I'm so badass I don't even need a first name." Go away.

Point Two: "I'm Going Home." That godawful song. Evidently it's a song about the rigors of touring and being happy to go home after being on the road with the band. I don't know, I guess I would expect a song like that to come from somebody who has some experience with touring and stuff. Coming from somebody who just got kicked off a reality show, I always assumed the song was about losing American Idol. "I'm Going Home." Because I lost.

Point Three: Who even won that season? Was it someone who sucked? Probably. I want Taylor Hicks to go away, away, away. I would have sex with Chris Daughtry if it meant that nobody would ever talk about Taylor Hicks ever again.

In other news, Alicia Keys is hot and has a great voice and can play the friggin' piano. I always try to imagine what music of our generation will be respected forty years from now like the Beatles and Bob Dylan are now. I think Alicia Keys will be one of those.

I never really like-liked Pink, but I always had a sort of respect for her. Maybe because she said words like "ass" and "hell" on the radio when I wasn't allowed to curse. Or maybe because she seemed as badass as I wanted to be.

Timbaland can suck it. He's talented. Whatever. I'll concede that. But I hate everything he touches. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Is Elliot Yamin just popular because he has curly hair and sings like an injured puppy?

Amy Winehouse...just...stop it. We get it. You're completely and totally fucked up in every way possible. Hey, you know what? I bet you could still sing like a champ and look even hotter if you stopped destroying your brain cells with God-knows-what. Or not. Whatever. Amy Winehouse has built her public image on the glorification of her self-destructive tendencies, and there might not be a way to reverse that. We'll see, I guess.

Fuck you, Carrie Underwood. You aren't cute. You aren't badass. You're barely talented. You aren't even...palatable. Also, you aren't really "country" either. You're trite-pop-with-a-twang. I can't stand that stupid "Before He Cheats" song. Hey, teenage girls of America. Here's an idea for you. If you suspect that your boyfriend is cheating on you, don't talk to him about it--destroy his car. And carve your name somewhere so the police can be super-certain of who did it. Somebody failed to take into account that while cheating is not a criminal offense, vandalism is. So fuck you, Carrie Underwood, for advocating illegal behavior while disguising it as "like omg grrrrrl power!!1!!!1!" And for sucking at music.

Every emo band needs to give up and bow to the All American Rejects. You don't get more emo than that. Well, other than the originals. You really don't get more emo than Joy Division. I mean, consider. But if we're talking modern-commercial-emo, AAR is the saddest of the sad.

I HATE HATE HATE that song "Bubbly" by Colbie Cawhatever. The lyrics are just...gross. I'm not usually one to pay attention to lyrics much, but seriously. What the hell is a bubbly face, other than what happens when someone dumps a pot of boiling oil on your head? And Colbie. Colbie, Colbie, Colbie. Your name is misspelled cheese. Aside from that, what would be wrong with a tiny bit of vocal inflection? This song is totally uninteresting and the lyrics make me squirm because they're just so icky. There's no other word. Icky.

Nickelback...were they ever good? Did anyone ever believe that they were good? Did something terrible happen to Chad Whatshisname's voice, or is it supposed to sound like that? So many questions.

I know "Hey There Delilah" has been played about twelve gazillion thousand billion times everywhere. I don't care. I love it. I love the Plain White T's. The song is overplayed but for me, it never gets old. Well, not yet. We'll see. The lovely guitar-ness keeps it alive for me.

When did Nelly Furtado get skanky?!

"Stronger," by Kanye "Asshole" West. You'd do anything for a blonde WHAT? Oh, fuck. Somehow, this man's music continues to be popular. I guess it's catchy. Oh my God, and he's bloody hideous too. Not to throw a low blow, but Jeeeeesus, the sunglasses...oh, wait, I think it's just the sunglasses. Without them he's okay-looking. With them I think I'm in danger of turning to stone. In any case, could he be more misogynistic? It's great how so many people buy into this crap if it's packaged right.

Rihanna is, um...I guess she'd be attractive if her hair didn't suck. And if she weren't so skanky in the "Umbrella" video. Eh-eh-eh-eh. What does it even mean? I guess it's something sexual. I managed to avoid hearing that song all summer, but of course as soon as I got back to school and started hanging out with people who keep up with popular's everywhere. Rihanna-whose-name-I-don't-know-how-to-pronounce (do you say the 'h'?)...does the term "one-hit wonder" mean anything to you? Not that I really know or anything, but I can't see her doing much else after the ridiculous commercial success of a song about inclement weather gear.

What might the #1 video of 2007 be? Let's see. My guess is "Crank That." Soulja Boy. Oh, yuck, I can't believe I just typed that shit. Soulja? What the fuck is Soulja? It sounds a little like "soldier" and looks a little like a Scrabble abortion.

Oh my God, it's Fergie again. "Big Girls Don't Cry." The one that almost gave me hope there for a few seconds. It's, like...surprisingly not-slutty. And although I'm hesitant to trust that her voice hasn't been tweaked to perfection, it sounds good. I guess she sounds like she's trying too hard with the voice, though, come to think of it. Like she's straining to sing throughout the whole song. Um, that isn't normal. That's actually really bad for your voice. Fergie? Stop it. If you really can't sing, admit it. If you can sing, take care of your voice so it doesn't suck worse in a few years.

So, this makes me wonder, where was "Crank That" in this? Maybe that song was just a bad dream. I hope so.

Well shit, now I'm tired. If I hear any one of these songs in my head as I'm trying to fall asleep, I will claw my face off. Although, lately I've been hearing "Get Low" in my head, and I guess it doesn't get much worse.

Ooh, you touch my tra-la-la.

1 comment:

the one who is tangled in blue said...

well, now that i know everything i ever wanted to know about how you feel about the music of '07, i really have nothing left to talk about.

interesting note: bob dylan mentioned alicia keys on "modern times." true story.