Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Call me! Stalk you. (sorry, just saw the movie)

Well, it's about that time. Time to leave my life and the one person who makes me totally comfortable and the place where I can be myself and where I don't have to hide anything...and time to go back to awkwardness and hiding and being uncomfortable in my own skin and not being able to see that one person who makes me totally comfortable...yeah, it's a fun time of the year. I need to be in a coma until mid-August.

Fuck summer and the four horses it rode in on.

But there's still a couple more days. A day and a half. Whatever. These last hours are always the most frustrating, because I'm always torn between wanting to enjoy every moment and being overcome by panic. You can't enjoy life when you're busy panicking.

"Panicking" looks an awful lot like "packing." I have started panicking. I have not started packing. Go figure. I like to make it quick and painful. Better that than slow and painful, right? I was about to type "quick and painless" but then I realized that "painless" isn't quite the word I wanted.

In entirely different news, I would be very interested to know how many friends I have left, and how many I've lost for the ones I still have. At least at the end of freshman year I went into the summer knowing that I had a huge support system of friends at IU. It pisses me off that it apparently came down to my having to choose between one incredibly wonderful friend and a plethora of other people who were very good friends as well. But the thing is, I didn't choose. I refuse to do that kind of shit. I don't cut ties. If people want to cut ties with me because they don't like who I've grown close to, that's their own issue and they can choose whether or not to work it out. Past middle school, the "I'm not your friend anymore because I don't like your other friends" bullshit isn't going to fly. Hell yes I am going to stick by my best friend. She doesn't let me down and I'm not going to let her down. When people try to put me in the place of choosing between one friend and another, I refuse to step into that place.

Also, I know confrontation is hard and all, but seriously? All it takes is a few words: "I don't want to see you." "I don't want you in my life." "I'm done with you." Yeah, it hurts, but it's a hell of a lot better to have a definite answer than to wait in silence for months and wonder how I should feel. I am fucking sick of always being left to wonder. And if you (undefined you; I'm not addressing any one person here) do want me in your life, gee, it would help to show it once in awhile. Many thanks to the people who do just that.

Shit, I have class in...some hours. I have to be up in 8 hours, and I've discovered lately that if I don't get 8 hours of sleep--well, more like 9 or 10, but I shoot for 8--my brain ceases to function. I need my brain to function. I have two exams this Thursday. Right now I have A-pluses in both classes, and I would very much like for that to continue. This means that I need as much brain function as I can get in order to kick the shit out of my exams. And tomorrow is a day for studying and packing. Hooray, studying!!

In other news: I'm 21 1/2 now, babies and toddlers are fantastic, and I want to sing like Vienna Teng.

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